Saturday, October 25, 2008

My inflated two cents

Today I feel especially gregarious in dispensing my solutions to current global crises. **Warning, this content contains psychological nudity**

Problem: 18% rise in food allergies among children since 1997.
Proposed Solution: Milk, soy, peanuts, tree nuts, fish and egg comestibles accounted for over 90% of the recorded allergic reactions. Studies too good for the intellectual community to include in their smarmy scientific publications convincingly point to a consistent diet of Chipotle burritos as a healthy alternative to "opaque white liquid produced by the mammary glands of female mammals," and other child allergens.

Problem: Sub Prime Mortgage Crisis
Proposed Solution: We need to build a time machine and send back Jim Cramer as the Investinator.

Problem: Flatulence
Proposed Solution: Activa Yogurt

Problem: Rising Costs of Healthcare
Proposed Solution: Two possible solutions. 1) Adopt a Universal Healthcare System or 2) Hire Nicholas Cage and the rest of the cast of National Treasure to scour the Earth in search of the Fountain of Youth.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

If you can't fight it, eat it.

Once in a while a good thing comes along that begs mentioning. Behold the juicy, the saucy, the one and only Philly cheese stake sandwich. This pro-fat concoction debuted in the early 30's as a predecessor to modern comfort food around Philadelphia, PA - the city of brotherly love. This city icon is the main course, side, and dessert served in a hoagie bun topped with cheese. For anyone looking to find a cheaper substitute to formula weight gain powders then look no further.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Is your game on?

Have you ever done something that made you feel like the coolest kid on the block? I just joined a ping pong club and I'm wondering why I had to wait 26 years to do so. Hopefully with some regular practice and sneakers I'll fend off those wunderkids that beat the tar out of me the other week. Ping Pong (aka Table Tennis for all those purists) is a versatile game that opens itself to all kinds of contestants. Young and old alike can enjoy the game with an almost level playing field. What other sports out there can you get creamed by a granny or a kid in a wheelchair? Not many.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

You have correo!

So Grandpa Christensen wrote me back a letter in which he told me if he the musical talent that I have he would of pursued a musical career - meaning he would of loved to charge $150 a lesson. Lately I have really put off music but thanks to Grandpa I'm rosining up the bow again. I was amazed he could even write as legibly as he did. As much as finding an unread message in your inbox can be exciting it can't compare with the thrill of opening a letter. I would encourage everyone to think of somebody with whom you'd like to reconnect and write them a personalized letter. 'Tis a gift to be simple.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Male Bonding Rituals

So what do young single engineers do on a Friday night? Calculate root mean squares? Well as typical as that may sound then would it surprise you to find them singing Neil Diamond karaoke to a restaurant full of inebriated Hispanics? I got to go to a Hispanic culture night and speak Spanish (finally) with a bunch of students from Latin American countries. It was such a blast, except for the part during the Honduran "Sucia" dance when out came some hideously masked witch pelvic thrusting like machine gun fire. Later in the evening at a celebratory gathering the party mood got roudy and took off when someone rigged up a karaoke machine. After much egging and many Spanish ballads, two other co-workers and myself got up and sang 'Sweet Caroline;' oh oh oh glad you didn't hear it.