Monday, June 22, 2009

The Idle Mind

The adage goes "The idle mind is the devil's workshop." I am currently battling an idle state at work due to program cuts and doing my best not to succumb to the ill effects of cerebral scurvy. The corporate compliance training courses have begun to invade my REM sleep with their ethics dialogue. On the plus side I know that if I ever have a question about export control that I can always go to the export control lady whose office spans the coastal beaches of Peru and is a Karate Grandmaster. Freaky dreams aside, idleness is a very real danger and I'm beginning to see just how many things in my day-to-day life are affected by that rotten scoundrel. Awake and arise, O ye slumbering nations!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

It's All Fluff

Fluffy pancakes, fluffy biscuits, and now fluffy galaxies. For years scientists have been perplexed by observations which reveal ‘fluffy’ central regions of merging elliptical galaxies where large black holes reside. As these supermassive black holes unceremoniously binge-eat neighboring stars like Denny’s grand slam specials, one would expect to see a bend rather than a bulge at their cosmic core. Thanks to a team of astronomers made up from Germany and the US, the paradox can now be fully explained, though, in nerd talk. To save you from absolute nebulosity, here’s the gist:

Stellar buffet-style comes with a price. When two supermassive black holes enter the same hen house, feathers fly as rival Alpha-males dance-off to a rendition of MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” while the backlash from their sweet awesome moves slingshots the whole coup of stars off into space and thus giving rise to a fluffy ending.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Just Say No

Attention all dietary and fiber-conscience consumers *STOP* Mild side effect found in FiberOne bars *STOP* Bloating and flatulence will not stop *STOP*

I am a young and relatively health-minded individual, intimately acquainted with a vast array of trigger comestibles and their "undesired effects" upon the human body. For example, five years ago on a lazy summer day I discovered how ingesting copious amounts of dried prunes may speed up the delicate process of the digestive tract. Unbeknown to me, chicory root extract is a not-so-distant relative to my dried prune buddies. And to evince you of the truth of such claims, take a closer look at the the nutritional facts on the side of the box:

As you can see, a single serving of one bar contains 9 grams of fiber (or ~35% of your daily valuable assuming a 2,000 daily calorie intake), yet despite this figure, the health benefits do not outweigh the potential risk of unleashing a staggering 490g of total farts (or roughly a DV of %6000) into the atmosphere. So what does this mean to the average working Joe? It means you stay in your cubicle, act normal and if anyone offers you a bag of dried prunes, just say no.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

And that's the recipe for makin' love...

Whenever I see a elderly couple playfully banter back and forth I think about how awesome it must be to grow old with someone you love and adore. Such a life-long journey can't all be baked to cheesecake perfection. Avoiding the undercooked lima bean pie takes persistent practice. Whatever your baking skills may be, a hearty helping of love seasoned with charming humor is sure to bring a smile. So here's to smiling and whatever the future may hold:

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."

Friday, June 5, 2009

Who wants to make some Moo-lah?

I've have been hopelessly calling every licensed massage therapist in the greater binghamton area in hopes to secure a measly 30 min tour de force on my lactic acid metropolis of a back before tomorrow's concert. For the past few days I have held the elusive beast at bay by ramming my back into the corners of walls (or door knobs); yet despite the momentary relief, the muscle aches migrate to other safer resorts. Are massages so high in demand these days that not even well intentioned bribery can prevail? Well, perhaps the neighbors wouldn't mind stepping on my back...