Thursday, March 26, 2009

Moochas Smoochas por el Con-KISS-tador

I make it a point not to waste the readers time with trivial and unimportant matters. I shall therefore make mention of a fantastic study from Rutgers University involving the messages perceived by the brain from dynamic labia oris fusion (aka kissing). So what hidden meaning may the male cerebral cortex be processing during a romantic kiss? Besides the obvious, Helen Fisher reports that men may be monitoring estrogen levels, which would "let them know where the woman is in the fertility cycle." And from the female side, researchers believe they may be able to detect differences in immune system types, potentially identifying individuals with "complementary immunity leading to healthier offspring with a broad range of disease resistance." In the end, though, none of us really care because if the message you get back says this person had been chewing on garlic cloves like honey-nut cheerios, then amen to that kiss.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Crowd Control

Throughout the ages of mankind's rumble and tumble upon the earth, numerous methods have been employed for the scattering of mobs, protesters, and other mad herding bovine. Science continues to play a pivotal role in developing more "humane" ways to do the job and now the promise of "safe" dispersion is just around the bend. Coined the Active Denial System (ADS), this highly effective tool emits a beam with millimeter-wavelength to shock the stubbornness out of just any living organism. The weapon is reportedly "not painful, but rather makes the target feel as if his or her clothes are going to catch fire." The dawn of the ray gun has arrived - and I wonder why more kids don't want to study math and science.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Endicott Enquirer

Imagine you're all alone in a thicket of trees. Then all of a sudden, add shooting projectiles whizzing past your head and the adrenaline rush of an impala on an all-out sprint for its life and you get me playing my first game of paintball. Luckily I came out with less bruises than expected partly due to my ingenious strategy - concealing myself entirely behind trees by virtue of my naturally thin frame. To usurp the the rumor, paintball bruises do not hurt - granted they miss the groin, fingers and neck (in that order); however, one of our guys wasn't so lucky on exceptions-to-rumor # 1. Needless to say, I learn quickly from the mistakes of others. Next time I'm bringing a cup - or trash can lids.

I wore a tie to work and caused an office upheaval. Everyone was asking me if I had an interview or a big presentation that day but in fact I had just wanted to wear the new shirt, shoes and tie I got at a fantastic discount from Kohls. In the past two weeks I have spent a pretty penny at said department store acquiring new cooking ware and clothing among other fanciful yet utilitarian items. I am pleased when I find bargains and now that I have 'some' disposable income I can be a little less stringent from my college days of not buying anything that wasn't absolutely necessary* to keep myself alive (*not including Chipotle burritos).

The weather is beginning to smile upon the inhabitants of Binghamton. I hope there's enough time to enjoy the Spring foliage like the autumn colors of last October. Beauteous!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Celebration Time C'mon!

You've just dominated your opponent and now it's time for the victory dance. Yeah you! Your 5 minutes of fame has finally arrived. So go ahead and soak it up. You deserve it. Spend it lavishly, just like this guy:

Saturday, March 7, 2009

and the secret ingredient is ...

Salt. Good ole' crushed-up sodium chloride table salt. One 1/2 teaspoon of the magic powder will do wonders to pumpkin pie among other baked goods and without it the teased taste buds will rise up in rebellion as I found out yesterday.

For those that are unawares, I am a sunbeam teacher (ages 3-4?) in Sunday school and for two hours each Sunday I sing songs and teach the kids about Jesus and not about hitting each other. It's actually beginning to get better from only a few weeks ago when the kids would scream for Mommy or run around the room losing various articles of clothing along the way. I've found that the best way I can keep their attention is by playing my violin for them and bringing other interesting props. For example, I brought in a a piece of fruit to represent the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil and got a little carried away:

In other news I bought a top-of-the-line Belgian waffle maker that oddly enough made me a smidgen giggly. I was about to buy some other cooking items like a huge wok or an earthshaking spatula but decided against it as their massive dimensions would serve me little purpose other than to clobber intruders. Though I suppose I could then restore them back to health with tasty waffles...

Monday, March 2, 2009

What makes you smile?

Today as I was walking between a forest of buildings I caught a midday glance of the outside world. I saw the sun and it painted a smile on my face. Maybe it's Old Man Winter but the perpetual gray skies that hang over Binghamton have zapped the zest of life out of me. Now I can't wait for Spring to arrive and then, Smokin' Lady Summer!

I watched the Sound of Music last weekend and found myself singing "Do Re Mi" all day long. That also made me smile. And did you ever realize what a babe Liezel was? Sure she's probably around my mother's age now but thanks to the gift of motion picture she is forever fine.