Attack of the Ginger Spice

***Attention - This blog post is not for tiny children nor the faint of heart***

RELEASE THE NINJAS!

These stealthy warriors are set to sneak into your kitchen and stage a cookie coup!

Your hands move like a whisper, cutting dark shapes into pre-rolled dough; mere minutes away from being unleashed upon unsuspecting guests.

Behold their awesomeness and impeccable fashion sense. They mean business.

A few facts about ninjas:

Ninja always land on their feet. If they don’t have feet they will land on their nubs.

Live in your house secretly for days

Can hover for hours

Flip out and kill everything

Can hide in incense smoke

Bullets dodge ninjas.

Ninjas iron there shirts while wearing them.

If You Give a Man a Cookie

If you give a man a cookie, he's going to ask for a glass of milk. When you give him the milk, he'll probably ask you for some more cookies. When he's finished with the milk (and cookies), he'll probably sit back and admire his man-stache in the mirror.

probably...

A few days ago I had my own give-a-mouse-cookie experience come back to bite me during prep for dinner. I completely forgot to take the sliced almonds out of the toaster oven. The result: Almendras a la Char - ultra rich in carbon-y goodness.


This blog post was brought to you by the words "Vigilance", "Attentiveness" and "Carcinogenic"

Whooosh

Dear Wildly Unpredictable Colorado Weather,

I realize you get bored on occasion and like to "spice" things up. Well, today was totally unacceptable. Your brief 50+mph out-of-no-where wind gush projecting a plethora of horizontally-focused ice/rain pellets on an otherwise beautifully calm sunny day was not appreciated in the least.

Sincerely,
Soggy Pants in Cubicle-land

On the brighter side, I now have a new-found respect for the Mormon pioneers who, despite great odds, trekked across an untamed wilderness, with guiding faith in the Savior. Exercising such faith as this is deserving of Heavenly blessings.

Fortunately tonight, there be a fiddler in this camp to provide vital mental medicine.

My Thousand Words

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then do a thousand words equal a picture? I submit that this is indeed the case given that the words are in "ZDingbats" characters (who designs these wacky fonts anyways? I like food).

Our 4 + month overdue wedding pictures came in the mail this week, providing much joy and relief. They turned out beautifully clear. So here's my thousand words: I love my Liezel, mi perla de gran precio!

Laugh a little more

This is it folks, entertainment at it's best: A pug and his piano

Spooks

The great pumpkin carving tradition has begun, with Mr. Mumps. Say hello to your adoring fans Mr. Mumps...


Mr. Mumps was in the dumps, for though he had a large and toothy grin, a beauty contest he'd never win... but WE still love him! Indeed, and then we'll eat him. Happy Halloween and happy pumpkin pie making!

Engineering Marvel

Swiss engineers completed the world's largest tunnel Friday, drilling through the last few feet of rock needed to complete the 35.4-mile tunnel underneath the Swiss Alps, the Associated Press reported.


The drill bit used to carve the last few feet of solid rock is a pretty spectacular sight. Take a look at the video feed here.

In passing-by, I had the opportunity to meet with the world's largest drill bit and ask a question:

D: What manner of machine are you that can summon up rock without chisel or hammer?

T: I... am a drill bit.

D: By what name are you known?

T: There are some who call me... 'Tim'...?

D: ...greetings, Tim the Drill Bit.

In other news, I learned you can post just about thing in Craigslist, including a post soliciting exotic and ancient lumber for furniture-intended purposes, submitted by yours truly.

Born Free

Have you ever sprinted down an enormous mound of sand while recording yourself? If not, I highly recommend it :)

Watch it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2M7avr7_7FU

The epic downhill journey looking back up the sand dune.

Living Off The Fat of the Land

Mother Nature can be pretty erratic here in Colorado, but in between her bouts of stormy confusion, the sun bakes some mighty fine vegetation. Take a looksie at the early July harvest from the garden we planted at my parents home:



Squash, Zuchini, Green Beans, Peppers and Tomatoes are summer staple foods, chock full of nutrients. So I looked out the window and what did I see? A breathing radioactive superorganism of steroidal chlorophyll (and a photo shoot):


Alissa makes some culinary grand slams from scratch - just short of germinating the millet and sorghum seeds - she whisks together colorful masterpieces that makes mitocondria salivate:

20 Second Summary

News Update:

I got married
I gained 0.4 lbs
I live in hippie-ville
Graveyard shifts stink like old gym socks left in the sink

Blog hiatus ending shortly. That is all. Thank you.

Of Mommies and Mothers

"O be wise, what more can I say?" This simple phrase from the prophet Jacob tells us that in the end, it would be well with us to just be wise. How often have we heard these and other bits of wisdom from our parents, especially our Mothers? At times in our lives it may seem folly and inconvenient to trust in the guiding counsel of caring Mothers yet we never doubt their reasons. They love us with an unbounded love. They are there to reassure us when all is dark. They help see past our weaknesses and cherish in our triumphs. So here's to you Mom on this beautifully sunny Mother's Day; may you rejoice in that happiness which is reserved for those who give with all their heart. I love you.

Belated April Fools

A fanciful article that wins for originality as well as comedic relief:

http://crave.cnet.co.uk/gadgets/0,39029552,49305387,00.htm

2600 Big Ones

**WARNING - SOME MATERIAL MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR PESSIMISTS AND MEANY HEADS**

You may of heard of the sound barrier but have you heard of the calorie barrier? This gravy-colored lining can be a high bar to hurdle for some or a little people limbo for others. I call upon you: Friends, Romans, Country-fried steaks; lend me your chops!

According to the food pyramid people, to gradually increase in weight, my daily caloric intake must be at a minimum 2600 calories. Dividing that by 5 meals a day leaves me starring down a 520 calorie juggernaut every three hours. To date, my best meal attempt was the forging of a nuclear soy smoothie (~450 calories) which nearly sunk me.

Having learned from sad experiences that substituting overly fatty food for lean meats, grains and vegetables will only result in pain-and-no-gain, I hereby petition you - who doth read my words with much forlorn - to supply any stomach-able and fruitful meal ideas in meeting my cataclysmic calorie challenge. My many thanks :) Calories, ye be warned!


P.S. - whoever can suggest the highest calorie/best-tasting meal wins a big hug! Note: the portion should not exceed 6 ounces as my stomach generally revolts if any more is stuffed in there.

What Key Are You?

What dark matter is to astrophysicists, is what musical key characteristics are to musicians. It's a bit of black magic wrapped up inside a gooey delicious cookie just out of the oven. So who's to say what tastes good when it comes to sharps and flats? Answer: you!

Certain musical keys are thought to induce certain emotions. For example (get ready for a really long reference), from Christian Schubart's Ideen zu einer Aesthetik der Tonkunst (1806) translated by Rita Steblin in A History of Key Characteristics in the 18th and Early 19th Centuries (no kidding?), the Key of C denotes a feeling "Completely pure. Its character is: innocence, simplicity, naïvety, children's talk." Of course not everyone hears it the same way. According to Charpentier's Regles de Composition ca. 1682, the Key of C is "gay and warlike."

F# Major indicates "a gloomy key: it tugs at passion as a dog biting a dress. Resentment and discontent are its language." Ask any violinist to play you a tune in such a key and you are asking for trouble. Simply put, it is an evil key; a key which-must-not-be-named (or played).

Eb Major is "the key of love, of devotion, of intimate conversation with God."

Ab minor (and miner) is a "grumbler, heart squeezed until it suffocates; wailing lament, difficult struggle; in a word, the color of this key is everything struggling with difficulty."

Some of my favorite keys are: E major/minor and A Major, ranging from grief to magnificence and splendor. Schubert likened E minor "unto a maiden robed in white with a rose-red bow on her breast." Whoa Schubert, TMI!

In addition to emotion, some have even gone so far as to label keys with colors. No, this is not a drawback to the sixties or shunning those who are color-blind, it's about our sixth sense: food. I bet a lot of early composers got hungry and probably did some of their best work against the petition of a growling tummy. So logically, their eyes would begin to play tricks on them after a while and without warning the Chiquita banana girl with her cornucopia of mouth-watering fruits would leap onto the page and influence the key. A sly green apple? A Major. A humongous juicy watermelon? C Major, etc etc. And thus proves the super commutative property of music: food = color = emotion = music.

Certainty

In a letter Benjamin Franklin penned to Jean-Baptiste LeRoy the 13th of November 1789 "Our new Constitution is now established, and has an appearance that promises permanency; but in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." Indeed such things are simply unavoidable, yet I believe Franklin could use some revision.

Everyone seeks certainty in a world of doubt. The late President Gordon B. Hinckley declared: “We know not all that lies ahead of us. We live in a world of uncertainty. … But one thing we do know. Like the Polar Star in the heavens, regardless of what the future holds, there stands the Redeemer of the world, the Son of God, certain and sure as the anchor of our immortal lives,” (Ensign March 2008).

Indeed, I know with absolute certainty - beyond the scope of mortality - of the Savior's promise unto all who would faithfully follow in His footsteps: "Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life" (3 Nephi 15:9).

Great Quotes #1

"Watching all this snowboarding is so boring ... I want to see curling." - Mom, on speaking her mind during the Vancouver 2010 Olympics

Lesser-known Alliterative Birthday Party Games

Bobbing for Bees

Walrus Wrestling

Pin the Pansy on the Panther

Juggling Jaguars

Hide and Go Hibernate

Blow out the Bonfire

3-2-1 Blast Off

The space shuttle program is due to end this year. The 28.8 million dollar paper weights are on sale and can be yours for only 360 easy payments of $80k. Do you have a hankering to be the ultimate Top Gun in the neighborhood? Well now's your chance. Already marked down 50% from the original asking price, this bargain may even continue to shed percentages points.

In addition, NASA announced the shuttle engines could be purchased separately (between $400k - 800k each), yet no buyers on the prowl. Now NASA is giving them away free on the condition that the desirous party have the wherewithal to haul them away. Let us consult the pocket calculator; a 3.2 ton engine for free or a 2,237 ton shuttle for 28.8 million dollars. Therefore, as I'm currently strapped for cash and one overly-enthusiastic coworker of mine claims his truck can pull one of those engines, I say road trip!

Of Galaxies and Love

**Alert** This message may contain gushy romanticism. You have been warned.

Being an avid follower of all things space (minus the junk), I am fascinated by the motion of planets, stars and galaxies and their interaction between one another as part of a larger, more complex system. The celestial canvas has much in common with the relationship road-map by which we navigate in this Earth life. Our plotted ephemeris is, more often than not, influenced by the external forces of family and friends. So has my course been richly shaped. The planets have aligned in my solar network and it is truly wonderful; I am engaged to the girl of a thousand smiles, Alissa (pronounced Mona Lisa minus 'Mon').


I first met Alissa through the electronically-printed page and knew after reading just a few of her blog posts, that she was the girl I was going to marry - no joke - for time and all eternity. It is common knowledge that even when opportunity knocks, a man still has to get up off his seat and open the door, and no thousand mile journey to way-off door would deter this southern-bound traveler from making future. Open Sesame! Enter Beauty.

Great Balls of Goodness

In the ever elusive quest to increase the gravitational force between myself and the center of the Earth, the fountain of fat remains yet to be discovered - but not on account of any dilly dallying mind you. Peradventure a savory morsel wanders within my arms reach, it's fate shall be sealed inside a mandibular prison.

There is one comestible that has of late attracted my attention. The macadamia nut packs quite a wallop (anybody know the history of the word 'wallop' by chance?); from the shores of it's fatty seas to it's mountainous peaks of fiber. With every bite, I welcome each conspicuous calorie. One, two, a bazillion... To borrow a phrase "it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited."

So in the attempted style of Ogden Nash, I pen my ode to the Macadamia Nut:

Heavenly orbs of triumph,
Always sweet; never bitter,
Makes me feel oh so fitter.