My inflated two cents

Today I feel especially gregarious in dispensing my solutions to current global crises. **Warning, this content contains psychological nudity**

Problem: 18% rise in food allergies among children since 1997.
Proposed Solution: Milk, soy, peanuts, tree nuts, fish and egg comestibles accounted for over 90% of the recorded allergic reactions. Studies too good for the intellectual community to include in their smarmy scientific publications convincingly point to a consistent diet of Chipotle burritos as a healthy alternative to "opaque white liquid produced by the mammary glands of female mammals," and other child allergens.

Problem: Sub Prime Mortgage Crisis
Proposed Solution: We need to build a time machine and send back Jim Cramer as the Investinator.

Problem: Flatulence
Proposed Solution: Activa Yogurt

Problem: Rising Costs of Healthcare
Proposed Solution: Two possible solutions. 1) Adopt a Universal Healthcare System or 2) Hire Nicholas Cage and the rest of the cast of National Treasure to scour the Earth in search of the Fountain of Youth.

If you can't fight it, eat it.

Once in a while a good thing comes along that begs mentioning. Behold the juicy, the saucy, the one and only Philly cheese stake sandwich. This pro-fat concoction debuted in the early 30's as a predecessor to modern comfort food around Philadelphia, PA - the city of brotherly love. This city icon is the main course, side, and dessert served in a hoagie bun topped with cheese. For anyone looking to find a cheaper substitute to formula weight gain powders then look no further.

Is your game on?

Have you ever done something that made you feel like the coolest kid on the block? I just joined a ping pong club and I'm wondering why I had to wait 26 years to do so. Hopefully with some regular practice and sneakers I'll fend off those wunderkids that beat the tar out of me the other week. Ping Pong (aka Table Tennis for all those purists) is a versatile game that opens itself to all kinds of contestants. Young and old alike can enjoy the game with an almost level playing field. What other sports out there can you get creamed by a granny or a kid in a wheelchair? Not many.

You have correo!

So Grandpa Christensen wrote me back a letter in which he told me if he the musical talent that I have he would of pursued a musical career - meaning he would of loved to charge $150 a lesson. Lately I have really put off music but thanks to Grandpa I'm rosining up the bow again. I was amazed he could even write as legibly as he did. As much as finding an unread message in your inbox can be exciting it can't compare with the thrill of opening a letter. I would encourage everyone to think of somebody with whom you'd like to reconnect and write them a personalized letter. 'Tis a gift to be simple.

Male Bonding Rituals

So what do young single engineers do on a Friday night? Calculate root mean squares? Well as typical as that may sound then would it surprise you to find them singing Neil Diamond karaoke to a restaurant full of inebriated Hispanics? I got to go to a Hispanic culture night and speak Spanish (finally) with a bunch of students from Latin American countries. It was such a blast, except for the part during the Honduran "Sucia" dance when out came some hideously masked witch pelvic thrusting like machine gun fire. Later in the evening at a celebratory gathering the party mood got roudy and took off when someone rigged up a karaoke machine. After much egging and many Spanish ballads, two other co-workers and myself got up and sang 'Sweet Caroline;' oh oh oh glad you didn't hear it.

Space the Final Frontier

New low-cost space deployment is a reality in part to the recent success of the private venture SpaceX. With a potential price tag of 7.9 million US dollars (or 85.3 million Mexican pesos) this reusable launch vehicle promises to shorten the gap between the cosmos and mankind. But what does all this cheap space talk mean to you and me average Joes and Janes (or Juanes y Julias)? If I am correct in my thinking it means we have very little time before we start seeing Nike Ads visible from Space. Can you endorse a planet, or a moon? These questions and more will become reality thanks to overly eager advertisement firms wishing to brand the final frontier with "Your Ad Here."

I call this one "matching my socks."

I'm still waiting for something major to come up and bite me but until then here's another minor minute to chew on.

Got Guanabana?

As I was strolling down the international food isle at my local grocer I happened upon a promising quart of tropic fruit refreshment to quench my thirst. Later I discovered what looked so tempting really turned out to be a bona fide trip down corn syrup lane. In my defense it looked so tasty. Even the warm colors on the label which first caught my eyes seemed to draw me in closer with its siren song. Let this be a warning to all athirst and adventurous beverage bibbers; make careful inspection the ingredients label and if you see corn syrup simply walk away. If only I remembered my Indiana Jones quotes then I wouldn't have made such a poor choice. Choose wisely!

My proton can beat up your proton

Did you hear the news? The one about setting the stage for the re-enactment of the so called Big Band? Well thanks to the science of high-energy particle collisions - and no we're not talking about the aftermath of eating Taco Bell - it may be conceivable to unlock the great mysteries of the big wide space we call the universe. The makeup of the universe - and no we're talking about my sister's bathroom countertop - has been a subject upon many a geek's mind ever since the first erector set debuted in 1911. This news has also brought to light the possiblity of creating microscopic black holes and spawning droves of badly made sci-fi hollywood movies. So according to columnist Barry Bateman, "If you find yourself fighting the gravitational pull of a black hole some time on Wednesday[Sept 10, 2008], you will know things went horribly wrong with the Large Hadron Collider (LHC)." I have yet to feel any backward gravitational effect but if anyone is in disagreement than do share. With the recent news of colliding protons and theoretical black holes I thought I'd pose the question: what do you think it would be like to fall into a massive black hole? For myself I think it would be like the yoga session from H E double L O. I'm still recovering from an overly ambitious work out last Friday and if its anything like what my pectorals are feeling right now then beam me up Scotty.

Musicana

Lately I've been composing short blocks of music based upon improvisatory musing between practicing awfully boring orchestral excerpts. Since starting this activity I've payed greater detail to what I hear on TV and movies soundtracks and it's incredible how well the composers can story tell along with the video. So I've decided to pick everyday subject material and write music tracks to go along with it. My last attempt to write a waltz came out really quirky. So far the only things that have sounded decent have been string orchestral sequences all in the key of g minor. What could possibly mirror this musical key you ask? It makes me think of driving to work or tying my shoe laces. Yeah, I'm pretty intense. My goal this week is to break into the happy friendly major keys.

Do I really want to be a fireman?

Lately I have been watching PBS documentaries, a favorite pastime of mine. I now have a greater appreciation for fire fighters who risk all, face the the enemy head on, and battle the scorching elements - all out of a true sense of duty. I wish I could say I had the same kind of motivation in my job. Now something very interesting came to mind as I watched the show. A lead fire fighter spoke about the occasional use of planned burns in order to "choke" the onslaught of the approaching blaze. This sacrifice of charred timber and brush would later serve to shield the fire from advancing any further out of control and into surrounding communities. Just at the moment it was as if a light switched on in my head and a passage from the Book of Mormon suddenly came to mind. In the 4th chapter of 1 Nephi the young obedient son of the prophet Lehi, Nephi, is given a commandment to obtain the plates of brass which contain the word of God from the wicked man Laban. To summarize Nephi comes upon a drunken Laban outside of his house and is then commanded by the voice of the Spirit to slay him with the following counsel found in verse 13: "Behold the Lord slayeth the wicked to bring forth his righteous purposes. It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief." This may sound drastic to the reader as I am comparing Laban to a controlled burn practice, however, it suffices me to say that by this single event a nation has been preserved with a greater knowledge of their God. How do I know this? The Book of Mormon. Pondering over this chapter it has become more clear to me that the Lord God knows and loves each of us intimately - without bias or reservation - and will deliver us from the flames of affliction we experience in this life according to our faith in Him.

A fool uttereth all his mind.

"Hey I hear Dallin's pretty good at ping pong. Why don't we go school him?" This was some of the talk from my co-workers that I just let roll off my back. Intrigue-peeked and armed with my Carlos Chiu paddle I took their challenge. Over the next work break I proceeded to pummel and spin my opponents into a slurry of submission until it was unanimously agreed who among us geeks was truly one with the ping. Or was it the pong?

Oh Captain! My Captain!

I saw this figurine of Captain Moroni and instantly knew I had found a centerpiece for the kitchen table. My Book of Mormon role model, now in plastic:













Yesterday I felt like I needed a haircut so I walked down to the nearest barbershop and paid $14 including tip for what turned out to be $14 too much. I need to find someone like Lloyd - my previous barber - 80 years young and as sharp as his clippers.

Tonight was one of those nights; tots and ice cream...

Moooove it or lose it

Today's amazing scientific breakthrough comes from German scientists who have discovered that cows are in effect large smelly compasses! According to their findings cattle grazing or at rest tend to orient their bodies in a north-south direction just like a compass needle. Analysis of the satellite images however have yet to reveal which ends of the beastly bovines point north. Any hypotheses? And yet while this recent study sheds light upon man's favorite food chain pet it begs the question; who actually put up the $$ to fund this project? My Answer: Johnny Lingo

One today is worth two tomorrows

So lately I've been having horrible luck with cornbread. It comes out looking like a brick of pale yellow cheese and tastes bland bland bland - even after I scooped in a handful of sugar. So if sugar won't help this medicine go down than I don't know what will. Apart from my ever-evolving domestic self I drove up to the Palmyra temple near Rochester, NY. Having traveled extensively I can say that there are few places on this earth as beautiful as upstate New York. If you ever get the chance just to drive through the finger lakes region I highly recommend it. This is the Palmyra temple:














I love to see the temple. Adjacent to the temple stands the homestead of the Smith family (cerca 1818) which borders the Sacred Grove where Joseph Smith as a boy of 14 years went one early morning to pray and ask Heavenly Father which church he should join. I have fallen in love with this place. On good days (when the mosquitoes are hung over or something) there is a wonderful stillness in the air and sunbeams shoot through the tops of the trees illuminating the rich green undergrowth below. You feel enveloped in the warmth of the deciduous canopy and by a still small voice of peace. It's a home away from home.

Los sueños extraños

Do you know the feeling when you just wake up and think to yourself "did I just dream that?!" It can be an eerie pause or an emphatic cry of relief. Well last night I was hanging with one of the Presidents of the United States whose name escapes me. This would of been one of those really cool dreams except he really upset me and just wouldn't get out of my face so I ejected him into outer space. Yikes! What does that say about me?