What Goes Around Comes Around

It has been said that 43% of Americans who undergo an unnecessary medical tests on a routine checkup. My trip to the doctor's office this week was not by any means a routine visit. So far and counting this has been the second time I was subjected to a CT scan and no they are not fun but the radiologist did say I had the strongest veins she'd ever worked on. It turns out that my symptoms of gnarly stomach spasms had nothing to with appendicitis (thankfully!) but rather a mixed bag of severe abdominal exertion and killer gas. That's right, the silent but deadly culprit is real and who knows the next time the villainy will strike again. The strangely funny thing about this experience was that I think I contributed to my distress by scrubbing down my entire apartment with the greatest of degree of detail over the weekend - how's that for wild and crazy?!?

So from now on, it's all about keeping myself from doing really stupid things.

¡Olé!

It's 85 degrees Fahrenheit here and the beach is so far! But even that didn't stop me from buying swimming trunks today. Ever since I got back from San Diego last week from my brother's wedding I have been craving Mexican food like no one's business and it just so happens that I live in the one part of the country more aloof and unaware of the glorious comestibles south of the border. While keeping my healthy addiction at bay may be a good thing, not feeding my taco-dependent body has been linked to the following symptoms:

Unexplained Rage
Dizziness,
Taste Bud Revolting, and
Depression

Luckily I was able eat enough to avoid developing any of these symptoms, and instead experiencing:

Stretch Marks,
*Weight Gain, and
Complete Nirvana (thanks Rhys and Liz!)

* - Sadly effects are only temporary

My Calling Card

Ask and Ye Shall Recieve

I learned an enlightening truth recently: the weaknesses of our mortal bodies help us to appreciate the Savior's Atonement in taking upon himself the "pains and the sicknesses of his people," (Alma 7:11). In a very real sense I was awakened to just how true that scripture is and the power of availing blessings. Three weeks ago I was exercising in the gym - perhaps stretching a little aggressively - followed by several rehearsals and a concert of the Mozart Requiem. These "normal" activities somehow triggered a series of back pains that left me a rigid walking corpse until yesterday, as I laid in bed experiencing frightening back and leg spasms, and ultimately came to the aforementioned realization: Ask for priesthood blessings. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a free and miraculous gift to all who seek comfort when all hope seems to fade.

In light of these circumstances and also remembering the fact that there sits a sparkly corporate medical benefits plan totally untouched atop the top shelf like a proverbial cookie jar, I stuck my hand in a pulled out a chiropractor visit. Today happened to be my first "adjustment" which is just a fancy way for saying man-handled by a fully licensed professional 'bent' on subluxation jargon. This is not a sugar coated experience by any means especially for first timers such as myself; however, it sure beats the alternative. I did learn one helpful tip that saved me quite a bit of sleep last night: sleep on the floor.


not on the stomach silly :)

To Bake or Not To Bake

It is written that if your eye should offend you, to pluck it out and cast it away. Well, just so happens that crumby bread is no exception. Last night I set the bread master to bake a delicious loaf of honey wheat goodness only to discover a hardened lump of gluten plastered to the inside of the bread machine. May this be a lesson to all: eye-balling a bread recipe is bad. very bad...

Precise measurements are crucial and great care should be taken to ensure correct ingredient amount, nigh unto the atomic weight. So I ended up making my regular pbj sandwich on butt bread today which tasted just like it sounds, though looking on the brighter side, I think I've invented a material more resilient than articular cartilage.

Stereos and Types of People Listening

I've been skimming through a book collection of funny jokes & quotes and came across a most rip roaring entry by John Molyneux published in the Bulletin:

"A minister was urged by his congregation to explain the difference between heaven and hell. 'They're not as different as you might think,' he said. 'In heaven, the British are the policemen, the Germans are the mechanics, the Swiss run the trains, the French do the cooking, and the Italians are the lovers. In hell, only minor changes take place. The Germans are the policemen, the French are the mechanics, the Italians run the trains, the British do the cooking, and the Swiss are making love.' "

Moochas Smoochas por el Con-KISS-tador

I make it a point not to waste the readers time with trivial and unimportant matters. I shall therefore make mention of a fantastic study from Rutgers University involving the messages perceived by the brain from dynamic labia oris fusion (aka kissing). So what hidden meaning may the male cerebral cortex be processing during a romantic kiss? Besides the obvious, Helen Fisher reports that men may be monitoring estrogen levels, which would "let them know where the woman is in the fertility cycle." And from the female side, researchers believe they may be able to detect differences in immune system types, potentially identifying individuals with "complementary immunity leading to healthier offspring with a broad range of disease resistance." In the end, though, none of us really care because if the message you get back says this person had been chewing on garlic cloves like honey-nut cheerios, then amen to that kiss.

Crowd Control

Throughout the ages of mankind's rumble and tumble upon the earth, numerous methods have been employed for the scattering of mobs, protesters, and other mad herding bovine. Science continues to play a pivotal role in developing more "humane" ways to do the job and now the promise of "safe" dispersion is just around the bend. Coined the Active Denial System (ADS), this highly effective tool emits a beam with millimeter-wavelength to shock the stubbornness out of just any living organism. The weapon is reportedly "not painful, but rather makes the target feel as if his or her clothes are going to catch fire." The dawn of the ray gun has arrived - and I wonder why more kids don't want to study math and science.

Endicott Enquirer

Imagine you're all alone in a thicket of trees. Then all of a sudden, add shooting projectiles whizzing past your head and the adrenaline rush of an impala on an all-out sprint for its life and you get me playing my first game of paintball. Luckily I came out with less bruises than expected partly due to my ingenious strategy - concealing myself entirely behind trees by virtue of my naturally thin frame. To usurp the the rumor, paintball bruises do not hurt - granted they miss the groin, fingers and neck (in that order); however, one of our guys wasn't so lucky on exceptions-to-rumor # 1. Needless to say, I learn quickly from the mistakes of others. Next time I'm bringing a cup - or trash can lids.


I wore a tie to work and caused an office upheaval. Everyone was asking me if I had an interview or a big presentation that day but in fact I had just wanted to wear the new shirt, shoes and tie I got at a fantastic discount from Kohls. In the past two weeks I have spent a pretty penny at said department store acquiring new cooking ware and clothing among other fanciful yet utilitarian items. I am pleased when I find bargains and now that I have 'some' disposable income I can be a little less stringent from my college days of not buying anything that wasn't absolutely necessary* to keep myself alive (*not including Chipotle burritos).

The weather is beginning to smile upon the inhabitants of Binghamton. I hope there's enough time to enjoy the Spring foliage like the autumn colors of last October. Beauteous!

Celebration Time C'mon!

You've just dominated your opponent and now it's time for the victory dance. Yeah you! Your 5 minutes of fame has finally arrived. So go ahead and soak it up. You deserve it. Spend it lavishly, just like this guy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJn5L1nrkL4

and the secret ingredient is ...

Salt. Good ole' crushed-up sodium chloride table salt. One 1/2 teaspoon of the magic powder will do wonders to pumpkin pie among other baked goods and without it the teased taste buds will rise up in rebellion as I found out yesterday.

For those that are unawares, I am a sunbeam teacher (ages 3-4?) in Sunday school and for two hours each Sunday I sing songs and teach the kids about Jesus and not about hitting each other. It's actually beginning to get better from only a few weeks ago when the kids would scream for Mommy or run around the room losing various articles of clothing along the way. I've found that the best way I can keep their attention is by playing my violin for them and bringing other interesting props. For example, I brought in a a piece of fruit to represent the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil and got a little carried away:


In other news I bought a top-of-the-line Belgian waffle maker that oddly enough made me a smidgen giggly. I was about to buy some other cooking items like a huge wok or an earthshaking spatula but decided against it as their massive dimensions would serve me little purpose other than to clobber intruders. Though I suppose I could then restore them back to health with tasty waffles...

What makes you smile?

Today as I was walking between a forest of buildings I caught a midday glance of the outside world. I saw the sun and it painted a smile on my face. Maybe it's Old Man Winter but the perpetual gray skies that hang over Binghamton have zapped the zest of life out of me. Now I can't wait for Spring to arrive and then, Smokin' Lady Summer!

I watched the Sound of Music last weekend and found myself singing "Do Re Mi" all day long. That also made me smile. And did you ever realize what a babe Liezel was? Sure she's probably around my mother's age now but thanks to the gift of motion picture she is forever fine.

Motown Mochi

The popular Motown group The Contours, came through Binghamton this evening on a singing tour of the classic hits from yesteryear accompanied by an orchestra and rhythm section and it was certainly the most unique gig I think I've ever played. These guys shook the roof, thanks in part to modern-day amplifier technology, and did there own choreography all decked out in sparkly suits. We played hits from The 4 Tops, Miracles, and Temptations and it felt like opening a door to the sixties - not that I've been there or anything.

Earlier today I helped make some strawberry filled Mochi - a Japanese desert - with some friends and it was rich in flavor and texture. It also happens to be one of the messier foods to make. There must a direct correlation between the quality of foods and the amount of cleanup required afterward.

Laundering Monies

Did you know that Canadian quarters don't work in washing machines here in the states? For the last two months I have not been able to use the drying machine in my apartment complex on account of the jamming coin slot - which has made for a grand first northeast winter. Well turns out I just discovered a rogue coin from the north country in my laundry money. I can't help but wonder how much of this 'legal tough' has managed to infiltrate this country's laundromats over the years? And maybe that's the cause behind the economic turmoil; we've been using pesos! No, that's silly. I guess what I'm trying to say is next time a vending machine spits back at you, you best check for dubious dinars.

Eternal Perspective

It's February and getting closer to marking a year living here in upstate New York. I can't help but think about the future and where I see myself a year from now. Growing up as a child I always knew that following year I would progress to the next grade. Life was simple back then, relatively speaking. Plotting the course to pursue in life year-by-year was never a mystery to me, however, I'm discovering that the basic equations of life I used back then are beginning to unravel into arrays of abstract theories and disjointed proofs. To say it another way, I'm asking more the "why's" and "how's", not the "when's" and "where's".

All of this thinking has prompted me to remember to always keep an eternal perspective in all that I do. Having this beyond-line-of-sight can help clear the less-insignificant cobwebs and obstructions in life that creep up all around. It makes the little things each day worth living and the big things just that much more. In essence, having an eternal perspective helps one find joy in the journey.

My random thought for the day is brought to you by the letter A, as in air. Air has many stunning uses as you know and one of particular awesomeness is insulation. I guess everything is an insulator to some degree, but next time you unplug a current-happy cord from an electrical socket and sparks shoot out, think about how wonderful air is for keeping you safe from Mr. Zap and his ionizing buddies.

FebCon 2009

This weekend I had the special opportunity to attend a YSA (young single adult) conference for my church held at Cornell University in Ithaca, NY. The primary reason for these types of get-togethers is so that YSA's have the chance to meet and make lasting friendships. Often many will travel several hours (at least on the east coast) to attend these conferences. A spiritual theme highlights the various events and workshops; the theme for this conference was "Joy in the Journey." I was so impressed by some the talks that were given which covered: Spiritual Guidance in Adversity, Lifelong Learning and Interfaith Understanding.

Cornell is the kind of school that the typifies the movie 'Dead Poet's Society.' As I walked the corridors of the gothic-like construction I could almost hear the paintings on the wall of generations past chant "Carpe Diem" - or perhaps it was my stomach fond of a lunch break.


I had a blast, met a lot of new friends and even managed to get my groove on. One of the crazy activities Saturday night was a battle royal of Ice Soccer and it's pretty much what the name implies. Picture an ice rink, two goals, a soccer ball and ~30 people falling all over their rumps feverishly attempting to dribble the ball in street shoes. It's a miracle no one managed to crack their skull open but honestly I cannot remember the last time I had this much fun. Slide tackles and body checking were no strangers on the ice but rather a sense of the vertical. Needless to say we were all incredibly sore the next day in church - and there was much rejoicing...

25 Not-So Admirable Professions (in no particular order)

The jury is in, and the verdict is FAIL for the following list of professions:

1) Professional Male Wrestling
2) Video game instructor
3) Anything to do with 'Adult Only'
4) Whoopee cushion manufacturer
5) Fake ID/Visa/Passport dealers
6) Sea Shepperd
7) Lumber jacking on protected land
8) Pimps & company
9) Anything to do with the Tobacco industry
10) Casino & online gambling
11) Spam mailers
12) Identity phishing
13) Mafia henchmen or other muscle for hire
14) Astrologer
15) Day trader
16) Bingo caller on a cruise ship
17) Lawyers (the kind that preys on the weaknesses of society)
18) Politician (the kind that is bought with the right price)
19) Professional beggars
20) Illegal immigration 'coyote' smugglers
21) Narcotics Dealer
22) Patent 'Whores'
23) Get-rich-quick scam artists
24) Weapons smuggling
25) Seal Clubbing

There ye be warned. But enough of the obvious, there are a myriad of jobs that fall in between the Admirable and Not-So Admirable spectrum. One of the many odd things about myself is my fascination with reading first-hand accounts of hilariously crumby jobs and laughing along. So with that, what's the worst job you ever had?

Dallin vs. Dinner

The last few weeks have been part of my "what tastes good" dinner preparation experiment. My goal is to eventually have a 7-day meal plan where each entree is simple, tasty, and not exceeding an hour to prepare. So far many recipes have run the gauntlet of my kitchen though few ever surviving the 'nose' knows test. That's right, my nose is the most accurate sensory organ in my body, which draws no small attention to my unique dinner table etiquette. Call me strange but I keep a digital record of most successful dinner recipes for future reference. Just to showcase the past few days:

Monte Cristo Sandwiches

Missionary Surprise a la Polski (bread makes anything Polish - just ask my dad)

Balsamic and Garlic Chicken breasts

Chicken fingers with apricot sauce

25 Admirable Professions (in no particular order)

Lately I've been thinking about people I admire which has led me to think about their chosen professions. Here's the list I compiled:

1) Snow Plowers
2) Rocket Scientists
3) Farmers
4) IT gurus
5) FDA scientists/quality assurance personnel
6) Firemen
7) Commercial Airline Pilots
8) Public Works - including Garbage men!
9) Music Teachers
10) Micro Drivers in Santiago, Chile
11) Surgeons
12) Policemen
13) Orchestra pit musicians
14) Beekeepers
15) Public School Teachers
16) Engineers
17) Air Traffic Controllers
18) Truck Driver
19) Dispatcher
20) Nurses
21) Military servicemen and women
22) Dentists
23) Supply Chain Managers - thanks Jared!
24) Chefs
25) Mothers

Next weeks list: 25 Not-so Admirable Professions

For the Good of the Company

I came across an insightful article written in November '08 and I would like to make mention of it just in case you missed the memo. In an effort to boost the declining birthrate in the country, Japanese companies are urging their committed employees to "go home, play with their children, and make more babies." I can see that albeit their efforts are not purely philanthropic, workers just don't grow on trees (especially the ones willing to work 7-day weeks). So next time an employee from the Nippon Oil Corp. calls in to say he'll be working from home that day - he ain't kidding! I can't help but wonder the last time a similar measure was encouraged in the annals of history? Any thoughts?

In other news, I cooked-up a fresh pot of homemade chicken soup last Saturday and then promptly seasoned it with salt & pepper and garden seasoning. Nothing. Then I added some garlic powder and cumin. Still no difference in taste. I have yet to deduce the root cause behind the mysteriously strong kick which now holds my soup captive though I have a general idea that it started with the thought, "hey, I have Cajun seasoning!" Luckily I discovered an easy fix to stomach said spicy stew: hearty servings of barbecue sauce.

Now that's a happy ending.

Got Power?

Growing concern of harnessing enough cheap and reliable energy in the world today has many wondering what is to be done. For centuries, man has relied heavily on the decomposed remains of the dinosaurs (and their breakfast) to heat his home and cook his stew. This murky goo, together with Santa's naughty list stocking stuffers and natural 'essence of bean' reserves, supply roughly two-thirds the world's electrical power today, however, each of these sources will eventually 'run dry' in the sense that one day in the not-too distant future when little Tommy comes home from school and turns on his favorite television cartoon "Mutant Parasitic Invaders from Mars," all of a sudden the screen will go dark as with every other fossil fuel dependent outlet, just when it is starting to look good for General Mucus and the Nasal brigade.

The push for 'greener' technologies is becoming more promising as scientific breakthroughs hurdle once-formidable physical barriers yet despite this, their price tags become even greater obstacles. So in the end, what is to be done you may ask? I think we stay the R&D course, build more nuclear energy plants, and in the words of Civil War Admiral David G. Farragut: "D*** the torpedoes, full speed ahead!"

Real Pirates wear Arrrrrrr-gyle

A few weeks ago it was reported in the news that Somalian hijackers of an oil tanker had drowned in the ocean after departing with their ransom money in a small ship. This cruel irony illustrates just how much pirates nowadays have lost touch with their once savvy ways, where popular phrases such as "shiver me timbers" and "thar she blows" are now substituted with duds like "let's have honest negotiations." In the end, the cause of this cultural identity crisis can be summed up in two words: bad karma.

This would be a good time to remember your roots and the living heritage of your forefathers (and mothers). As for me, I'm remembering the Kuzmiches, Turks and Bachnovic's. The Links, Mauss's, and Koelch. Families can be together forever, learn how!

Another Day of Miracles

If you've seen the news today then you've seen video footage of the plane wreckage of US Airways Flight 1549 slowly drifting into a watery grave and passengers awaiting rescue on wings of mercy. All in all it was amazing no one was killed and none seriously injured. I drive over the Susquehanna River four times a day going to work and when I see large chucks of ice floating by I get the most haunting image of what it would be like to fall victim to its icy grasp.

The events which transpired prior to the engine failures are still under investigation but wide-spread speculation points the principal cause to B.I.R.D.S. (Blasted Incoming Radar Deceptive Seagulls). Government sources like the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) confirm that these random and interspersed types of collisions are increasing for two reasons: the environment is cleaner and airplanes are quieter. I can't say I'd enjoy living in a dump, so as a solution I recommend aviation experts learn a thing or two from the pimped-out rides of South Central LA. I mean would you go near a vehicle that made your head vibrate from ear to ear?

In other news, I'm throwing away the four frozen boxes of Perogies I purchased on sale at the grocery store on account of the massive heartburn I suffered after consuming several of the fiery darts for dinner. *grumble grumble grumble*

Do - Re - Mi - Ski - Tow

I read a most interesting scientific study today on the musical matchmaking of mosquitoes. Long have bug scientists suspected male mosquitoes capable of audibly locating their future mates - usually talking on the phone - however recent findings suggest the siren call is but a prelude to their romantic endeavors. The beating of the female's wings produces a fundamental tone around 400Hz whereas the male sings a little higher at 600Hz. These tones do not begin to set the mood until they come within close proximity and - yes you guessed it music major geeks! - a harmonic overtone will resonate, which just happens to be love potion No. 1200Hz signaling Arthropod "go time." This higher frequency, thought to reside beyond the mosquitoes audible radar, is likened unto the whisperings of sweet nothings. Moral of the study: don't stop humming, you just might find Mr./Mrs. Right, or an over-sized mosquito...

Supplies!

This video was taken pre-momma arrival at Thanksgiving where all of us chilluns were crazy on the lookout prior to the big surprise. I believe Rhys even took it upon himself to cover the tracks of our neighbor who had just barely walked over in time. Great job team!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ea4sufBU4U0

World Frozen Over

If anybody asked me what skills I possessed, the answer would have to include ice/snow scraping skills. Having enjoyed 26 years of supreme dominance in the field of arctic scraping it was only a matter of time before eventually crossing paths with the frozen albatross of the Northeast.

This morning as I stepped outside in route to the car I witnessed a most peculiar thing. The ground lay blanketed under a sheet of hard flat ice, and not just the ground but everything that touched the ground in the exposed atmosphere. There were no footprints nor could there be made anything of the type. I was experiencing freezing rain, a condition where rain solidifies into ice upon contact.

If you've been lucky enough to scrape your car out of an ice storm then I'm sure you appreciate the grueling upper body workout that goes with it. My windshield cover was encased in the ice that held my car hostage but luckily for me I was armed with some spare keys - yes those pesky extra keys that you never seem to know why they're even on your key chain to begin with DO have a special purpose! Bracing myself against an adjacent car I began a long drawn out process of removing the ice in the seam of the car door. Once complete I was able to get my workout with the real scraper and only after getting drenched in the rain that was still falling.

The radio announcer on the drive to work relayed school closures which happened to include every school within 60 miles and here I am thinking how nice it would be to be at home under warm covers instead of sliding across highway lanes. I sure do miss those days. Well today I finally met my match, and she is a most cruel mistress.

One of my hobbies is collecting funny and insightful TV commercials. I find this one in particular to be a lesson in keeping your 'cool':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDoEO6kSVEk

Meh-wedge

So a friend of mine posted an idea of having 3-year renewable marriage contracts. What does that phrase even suggest? The idea is absurdly short-sighted and ridiculous. It's like asking for male-pattern baldness; no thank you. There's even talk these days of getting prenuptial agreements upon the very act of entering into the bonds of holy matrimony. This kind of talk does little to strengthen the family, the thread which makes up the fabric of our society. Weak talk begets poor investment.

Kitchens: Before and After

So if you could remodel any one part of your home and really spruce it up, which part would you choose? I choose the kitchen. If I could I would make an entire house into a kitchen, fully functional with pull out beds for drawers. Some of the more incredible features include walk-in pantries with sliding storage shelves. Fantasies aside, I very much enjoy kitchens of all styles and sizes. Before and after pictures to me, are like greasy bacon strips to hunger-teased dingos. Have a taste:

**Uncontrollable Drooling**


Charcoal Granite Counter Tops, Bamboo flooring, Accent Lighting, Oh My!

Feliz Navidad

Merry Christmas Eve! I just finished watching "It's a Wonderful Life" and never tire of watching it year after year. The film embodies so much that is good in this world. May the tradition of radiating the airwaves with this timeless classic each Christmas continue as long as the Earth turns. The family pageant tradition of the Nativity story has carried on though minus the costumes and wise men bling this year. Hurray for Family traditions.

So I found the worst movie EVER made. Yes, and watched the entire thing through because it was sooo bad. It's called "Hercules in New York" starring Arnold "the Govenator" Schwarzenegger and his lines are dubbed over by some English actor's voice. So there you have it; the best and worst movies of all time - unless you can suggest another pair of films so diametrically opposite in caliber?

Attack of the Artic Crystalline Flakes

I can't remember the last time I had death gripped my steering wheel. At lunch time I looked outside to see the snow falling at an increasing rate and thought it better to leave sooner than later. On the commute back home (~23 miles) I had many close encounters with the fourth kind: overly confident 4-wheel drive enthusiasts. At seat level in my car I have a VERY good view of their tire flaps. To make matters worse my wipers started to build up ice chunks underneath the blades, in effect smearing the windshield rather than clearing debris, leaving a small viewable window on the passenger side. At this point I thought to myself what on Earth are you [Dallin] doing? Get off the bloomin' road before you activate your medical plan! I was thrilled to finally inch my way up the home stretch and crash on the pillow and not the pedestrian walking her dog across the street. Needless to say I offered a most sincere prayer. The hour drive proved to be a real character builder; much like diarrhea.

Upstate NY is known for their white-out conditions and "lake effect" snow drifts responsible for entire weeks of unscheduled vacation. Binghamton is the 15th snowiest city in the country just south of the 4th being Syracuse. This is a picture I found from Oswego, NY - the undistputed snow capital (non-mountainous region) of the northeast:

Camp Outs and Symphonies

I had planned to go with the scouts from our ward on a camp out over the weekend but received word late that it was a no-go. Good thing since the temperature was in the single digits Fahrenheit. My first real winter camp out was with my older brothers up in the Rockies. Being the youngest I had inherited my brother's boots, having served faithfully, but now these buskins were a beat away from their final fermata. As the sun began to set I could feel my feet getting colder and colder. My oldest brother Rhys somehow knew I wasn't doing well and graciously removed my boots to rub my frozen feet and put on a nice warm pair of wool socks. I'm sure his hands were freezing but he was so focused on helping me. So when I remember boy scouts and camp outs I will always remember that simple act of kindness.

In other news I joined the musicians union in an effort to play Handel's Messiah this weekend. I can't wait to get back into an orchestra!! The money part isn't so bad either but if I had to, I would pay real money just to play. What an absolute thrill to be enveloped in the warmth of symphonic sound - Handel's Messiah nonetheless.

Conversation Power

Like an inconspicuous pixel in the sea of bytes chattering back and forth, the seeker of gab listens to the ongoing conversation in earnest but fails to awake the tongue from its hibernating sleep. The ability to contribute to meaningful conversation is a greatly sought talent. I admit I am not a great conversationalist but I would really like to know what does it take to become one? I am by nature an observant fellow but I do not believe I must be confined by nature. So, your thoughts?

Saturday Mornings

Waking up and knowing you don't have to go into work because it's Saturday is blissful - unless by chance your neighbor pounds on your door at the crack of dawn because there is a strange "hot glue" odor emanating from the lower floors and that the firemen are in transit, on a frigidly cold morning. Well there's always next Saturday...

So what's there to do on a Saturday morning? Try Olympic pancake flipping! I made a thick pancake batter and while mixing the dry ingredients the thought came to me: "If you make it, it will flip." And so after pouring the batter into the saucer I began flipping my breakfast up and down, behind the back, quadruple flips in the air, half of which now decorates the floor. I even snapped a quick how-to clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3zBJlXuQ5I

Then I sat down in front of the laptop and began rehashing some sweet chords in Finale to the sound of a string orchestra. I really enjoy just sitting down at the piano and discovering chord progressions - even if they don't play by the "rules". This is what I came up with; have a listen:

Are you kidding me?!?

Welcome to DARPA, otherwise known as the Defense Agency Researching Projects on Acid. This government funded agency "Commissions advanced research for DoD, and was founded in response to the surprise Sputnik launch in 1958 and fathered the Internet somewhere along the way." These days DARPA sponsors scientific competitions to challenge the coolest nerds around to drive technical innovation so that one day you can wake up and drive your hover car to work like 'Back to the Future 2' promised us. The latest plan is making heads scratch and sending shares for Head & Shoulder soaring to their highest earnings yet. To put it simply, DARPA wants submarines that can fly (or airplanes that can go underwater - either way you look at it), with the end result being able to creep to shore without detection. If the idea ever does take off the ground (pun-tastic) and there exists some commercial need for this futuristic transport, then sign me up baby!

A La Pinta

Have you ever ran up to someone you thought you knew only to find out it was someone else? I had a guy run and jump onto the hood of my car the other day. Boy howdy! On another note I like making pies. Behold their majesty:

Ode to Ornamentation

I was playing around with the fiddler's fakebook and found a neat Scottish ditty. I really like the time signature 6/8 (I think my heart beats to that rhythm). Take a listen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myyxMy9UR3s

Erhu Ecstacy

So for all those of you who have not heard I have a slight problem - I am a compulsive ebay buyer. Luckily I have high standards which protects me from tipping over the edge into the precipice of owning really dumb stuff. My latest investment is the Chinese Erhu. It's a two stringed instrument with a bow that plays between the strings. Take a listen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHG20TMSs18

My inflated two cents

Today I feel especially gregarious in dispensing my solutions to current global crises. **Warning, this content contains psychological nudity**

Problem: 18% rise in food allergies among children since 1997.
Proposed Solution: Milk, soy, peanuts, tree nuts, fish and egg comestibles accounted for over 90% of the recorded allergic reactions. Studies too good for the intellectual community to include in their smarmy scientific publications convincingly point to a consistent diet of Chipotle burritos as a healthy alternative to "opaque white liquid produced by the mammary glands of female mammals," and other child allergens.

Problem: Sub Prime Mortgage Crisis
Proposed Solution: We need to build a time machine and send back Jim Cramer as the Investinator.

Problem: Flatulence
Proposed Solution: Activa Yogurt

Problem: Rising Costs of Healthcare
Proposed Solution: Two possible solutions. 1) Adopt a Universal Healthcare System or 2) Hire Nicholas Cage and the rest of the cast of National Treasure to scour the Earth in search of the Fountain of Youth.

If you can't fight it, eat it.

Once in a while a good thing comes along that begs mentioning. Behold the juicy, the saucy, the one and only Philly cheese stake sandwich. This pro-fat concoction debuted in the early 30's as a predecessor to modern comfort food around Philadelphia, PA - the city of brotherly love. This city icon is the main course, side, and dessert served in a hoagie bun topped with cheese. For anyone looking to find a cheaper substitute to formula weight gain powders then look no further.

Is your game on?

Have you ever done something that made you feel like the coolest kid on the block? I just joined a ping pong club and I'm wondering why I had to wait 26 years to do so. Hopefully with some regular practice and sneakers I'll fend off those wunderkids that beat the tar out of me the other week. Ping Pong (aka Table Tennis for all those purists) is a versatile game that opens itself to all kinds of contestants. Young and old alike can enjoy the game with an almost level playing field. What other sports out there can you get creamed by a granny or a kid in a wheelchair? Not many.

You have correo!

So Grandpa Christensen wrote me back a letter in which he told me if he the musical talent that I have he would of pursued a musical career - meaning he would of loved to charge $150 a lesson. Lately I have really put off music but thanks to Grandpa I'm rosining up the bow again. I was amazed he could even write as legibly as he did. As much as finding an unread message in your inbox can be exciting it can't compare with the thrill of opening a letter. I would encourage everyone to think of somebody with whom you'd like to reconnect and write them a personalized letter. 'Tis a gift to be simple.

Male Bonding Rituals

So what do young single engineers do on a Friday night? Calculate root mean squares? Well as typical as that may sound then would it surprise you to find them singing Neil Diamond karaoke to a restaurant full of inebriated Hispanics? I got to go to a Hispanic culture night and speak Spanish (finally) with a bunch of students from Latin American countries. It was such a blast, except for the part during the Honduran "Sucia" dance when out came some hideously masked witch pelvic thrusting like machine gun fire. Later in the evening at a celebratory gathering the party mood got roudy and took off when someone rigged up a karaoke machine. After much egging and many Spanish ballads, two other co-workers and myself got up and sang 'Sweet Caroline;' oh oh oh glad you didn't hear it.

Space the Final Frontier

New low-cost space deployment is a reality in part to the recent success of the private venture SpaceX. With a potential price tag of 7.9 million US dollars (or 85.3 million Mexican pesos) this reusable launch vehicle promises to shorten the gap between the cosmos and mankind. But what does all this cheap space talk mean to you and me average Joes and Janes (or Juanes y Julias)? If I am correct in my thinking it means we have very little time before we start seeing Nike Ads visible from Space. Can you endorse a planet, or a moon? These questions and more will become reality thanks to overly eager advertisement firms wishing to brand the final frontier with "Your Ad Here."

I call this one "matching my socks."

I'm still waiting for something major to come up and bite me but until then here's another minor minute to chew on.

Got Guanabana?

As I was strolling down the international food isle at my local grocer I happened upon a promising quart of tropic fruit refreshment to quench my thirst. Later I discovered what looked so tempting really turned out to be a bona fide trip down corn syrup lane. In my defense it looked so tasty. Even the warm colors on the label which first caught my eyes seemed to draw me in closer with its siren song. Let this be a warning to all athirst and adventurous beverage bibbers; make careful inspection the ingredients label and if you see corn syrup simply walk away. If only I remembered my Indiana Jones quotes then I wouldn't have made such a poor choice. Choose wisely!

My proton can beat up your proton

Did you hear the news? The one about setting the stage for the re-enactment of the so called Big Band? Well thanks to the science of high-energy particle collisions - and no we're not talking about the aftermath of eating Taco Bell - it may be conceivable to unlock the great mysteries of the big wide space we call the universe. The makeup of the universe - and no we're talking about my sister's bathroom countertop - has been a subject upon many a geek's mind ever since the first erector set debuted in 1911. This news has also brought to light the possiblity of creating microscopic black holes and spawning droves of badly made sci-fi hollywood movies. So according to columnist Barry Bateman, "If you find yourself fighting the gravitational pull of a black hole some time on Wednesday[Sept 10, 2008], you will know things went horribly wrong with the Large Hadron Collider (LHC)." I have yet to feel any backward gravitational effect but if anyone is in disagreement than do share. With the recent news of colliding protons and theoretical black holes I thought I'd pose the question: what do you think it would be like to fall into a massive black hole? For myself I think it would be like the yoga session from H E double L O. I'm still recovering from an overly ambitious work out last Friday and if its anything like what my pectorals are feeling right now then beam me up Scotty.

Musicana

Lately I've been composing short blocks of music based upon improvisatory musing between practicing awfully boring orchestral excerpts. Since starting this activity I've payed greater detail to what I hear on TV and movies soundtracks and it's incredible how well the composers can story tell along with the video. So I've decided to pick everyday subject material and write music tracks to go along with it. My last attempt to write a waltz came out really quirky. So far the only things that have sounded decent have been string orchestral sequences all in the key of g minor. What could possibly mirror this musical key you ask? It makes me think of driving to work or tying my shoe laces. Yeah, I'm pretty intense. My goal this week is to break into the happy friendly major keys.

Do I really want to be a fireman?

Lately I have been watching PBS documentaries, a favorite pastime of mine. I now have a greater appreciation for fire fighters who risk all, face the the enemy head on, and battle the scorching elements - all out of a true sense of duty. I wish I could say I had the same kind of motivation in my job. Now something very interesting came to mind as I watched the show. A lead fire fighter spoke about the occasional use of planned burns in order to "choke" the onslaught of the approaching blaze. This sacrifice of charred timber and brush would later serve to shield the fire from advancing any further out of control and into surrounding communities. Just at the moment it was as if a light switched on in my head and a passage from the Book of Mormon suddenly came to mind. In the 4th chapter of 1 Nephi the young obedient son of the prophet Lehi, Nephi, is given a commandment to obtain the plates of brass which contain the word of God from the wicked man Laban. To summarize Nephi comes upon a drunken Laban outside of his house and is then commanded by the voice of the Spirit to slay him with the following counsel found in verse 13: "Behold the Lord slayeth the wicked to bring forth his righteous purposes. It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief." This may sound drastic to the reader as I am comparing Laban to a controlled burn practice, however, it suffices me to say that by this single event a nation has been preserved with a greater knowledge of their God. How do I know this? The Book of Mormon. Pondering over this chapter it has become more clear to me that the Lord God knows and loves each of us intimately - without bias or reservation - and will deliver us from the flames of affliction we experience in this life according to our faith in Him.

A fool uttereth all his mind.

"Hey I hear Dallin's pretty good at ping pong. Why don't we go school him?" This was some of the talk from my co-workers that I just let roll off my back. Intrigue-peeked and armed with my Carlos Chiu paddle I took their challenge. Over the next work break I proceeded to pummel and spin my opponents into a slurry of submission until it was unanimously agreed who among us geeks was truly one with the ping. Or was it the pong?

Oh Captain! My Captain!

I saw this figurine of Captain Moroni and instantly knew I had found a centerpiece for the kitchen table. My Book of Mormon role model, now in plastic:













Yesterday I felt like I needed a haircut so I walked down to the nearest barbershop and paid $14 including tip for what turned out to be $14 too much. I need to find someone like Lloyd - my previous barber - 80 years young and as sharp as his clippers.

Tonight was one of those nights; tots and ice cream...

Moooove it or lose it

Today's amazing scientific breakthrough comes from German scientists who have discovered that cows are in effect large smelly compasses! According to their findings cattle grazing or at rest tend to orient their bodies in a north-south direction just like a compass needle. Analysis of the satellite images however have yet to reveal which ends of the beastly bovines point north. Any hypotheses? And yet while this recent study sheds light upon man's favorite food chain pet it begs the question; who actually put up the $$ to fund this project? My Answer: Johnny Lingo

One today is worth two tomorrows

So lately I've been having horrible luck with cornbread. It comes out looking like a brick of pale yellow cheese and tastes bland bland bland - even after I scooped in a handful of sugar. So if sugar won't help this medicine go down than I don't know what will. Apart from my ever-evolving domestic self I drove up to the Palmyra temple near Rochester, NY. Having traveled extensively I can say that there are few places on this earth as beautiful as upstate New York. If you ever get the chance just to drive through the finger lakes region I highly recommend it. This is the Palmyra temple:














I love to see the temple. Adjacent to the temple stands the homestead of the Smith family (cerca 1818) which borders the Sacred Grove where Joseph Smith as a boy of 14 years went one early morning to pray and ask Heavenly Father which church he should join. I have fallen in love with this place. On good days (when the mosquitoes are hung over or something) there is a wonderful stillness in the air and sunbeams shoot through the tops of the trees illuminating the rich green undergrowth below. You feel enveloped in the warmth of the deciduous canopy and by a still small voice of peace. It's a home away from home.

Los sueños extraños

Do you know the feeling when you just wake up and think to yourself "did I just dream that?!" It can be an eerie pause or an emphatic cry of relief. Well last night I was hanging with one of the Presidents of the United States whose name escapes me. This would of been one of those really cool dreams except he really upset me and just wouldn't get out of my face so I ejected him into outer space. Yikes! What does that say about me?